STARS Madness
by moonbeam1987
Summary: This is my take of Resident evil 1. everyone is completely different in this including Wesker. have decided to continue with it. as always R&R's are always welcome good or Bad.
1. Chapter 1

Barry watched as Joseph inspected the Bravo's helicopter.

"Damn, that is going to be one hefty Insurance claim for the RPD." He thought to himself as he stroked his ginger beard. Chris was wandering around the crash site "pretending" to be busy. Jill was watching Wesker, who was watching as Joseph exited the helicopter then proceeded to bring up everything he had to eat that day.

"Oh come on man it can't be that bad." Chris laughed.

"Oh you think so, well go have a look tough guy." Joseph managed. Chris sauntered over to the helicopter like Mr cool and proceeded to have a look.

"Wow, I guess good old Kev won't have to worry about the price of glasses anymore." Chris said. Jill walked up behind him and slapped him soundly up side the head.

"Have some respect man, he wont have to worry about anything he is dead." She turned and walked towards Barry, who was at that present moment in time wishing he was somewhere else.

"Its Kevin." She said solemnly.

"What is?" Barry asked, coming out his daze.

"Earth to Barry, come in Barry." Jill said knocking him on the head.

"I am here now what is it?" he asked.

"Kevin is dead and there is no sign of the Bravo team." Jill answered.

"Hey guys come on its getting late I need to get home." Brad shouted out the helicopter window.

"I am sure you can stay up past your bedtime tonight Brad, I am sure mummy will understand." Jill remarked sarcastically.

"No she wont, she will be so worried if I don't get home in time for my supper." Brad replied.

"Wow guys look at this." Chris said holding something up.

"it's a stone Chris." Wesker said.

"Yeah but not just any kind of stone, it's a Butt shaped stone." Chris burst into fits of laughter and fell to the ground. Wesker rolled his eyes and walked away. Joseph, seeing this as a perfect situation to get some revenge, walked up and kicked Chris's ass as he rolled about the ground laughing. Chris took no notice and continued to laugh.

"Chris get up you stupid boy, we have work to do." Barry said giving Chris a kick. Chris wiped his eyes and got up off the grass.

"Yeah I guess you are right, wait a second while I get into character." He said. He put on the best serious face he could muster, which looked like something between a bulldog chewing a wasp and a child pouting.

"Right folks to business." He said.

"Eh excuse me but who is the captain here?" Wesker asked. Chris hung his head and put his hands behind his back.

"You are Captain Wesker." He answered, like a scolded school child.

"That's right Chris read the badge." Wesker said holding his badge in Chris's face.

"See, it says it right there next to my gorgeous picture, Captain Wesker not Captain Redfield."

"Ok Captain I think he gets it." Jill said.

"Well I guess we had better get to what we were supposed to be doing which was…" he trailed off.

"Looking for the Bravo's, sir." Jill whispered in his ear.

"That's right Looking for the Bravo's come on folks lets get searching." Wesker said.

"Hey can we go for search pattern alpha Z?" Barry asked excitedly.

"You mean run around like headless chickens until we find someone or something?" Wesker asked questioningly.

"Yeah come on Captain pretty please with sugar on top, it would be so cool and we never use it." Barry pleaded.

"Yeah Barry, because the last time we did we never found anything." Wesker said.

"Yeah but it would be fun." Joseph added. "And I mean come on when was the last time we had any fun." Wesker had to think, he really couldn't remember the last time they had fun.

"Oh alright then lets go." He said. Everyone jumped around excitedly and went off into the woods alone, laughing and shouting as they did so.

"Hey I can't see anything." Jill shouted.

"No me neither, who put the sun out?" Chris shouted.

"You idiots, you better not be running around with your eyes closed again we all know what happened the last time." Wesker yelled. There was silence then,

"Hey I can see now thanks captain I forgot." Chris shouted.

"Yeah thanks captain." Jill added. Wesker walked over to the helicopter and sat next to Kevin.

"I didn't want this post you know, I could have gone to better places but no I choose to captain a bunch of idiots, what's that Kevin, oh yeah I know I am so great, handsome and I could have been a model." Wesker sighed and put his head in his hands. He looked up and watched as Barry kicked stones about the ground.

"You know I wish I had muscles like that." Wesker said out loud.

"Well you could if you exercised more." Jill said from behind him. Wesker almost died right there on the spot.

"Jill don't ever do that to me again." He panted trying to get his breath back.

"Hey guys I found a gun with a hand attached to it what should I do?" Joseph shouted. Just then a pack of dogs jumped form no where and attacked him.

"You know I always thought he was more a cat person." Chris mused as he watched Joseph being killed.

"Move you idiot." Barry shouted as he dragged Chris away.

"I was just saying." Chris said. They ran deeper into the forest.

"Hey Captain where are we going?" Jill asked.

"I don't know." He replied.

"Hey look a mansion that is supposed to be derelict but look s pretty good." Barry said.

"I guess we are going there." Jill shouted. The dogs finally gave up the chase and went back to their meal. Barry threw his considerable bulk at the door and bounced right off it.

"Oh my god did you see that oh I wish I had a camera." Chris howled with laughter. Jill took one look at Barry's sad face and laughed as well.

"Come on Barry don't let that big old nasty door get the better of you give it another go." Wesker said.

"Yeah." Barry sniffed. "I guess I should." He got up and went for the door again, and this time it obliged and swung open. Wesker grabbed the two laughing idiots and threw them in to the well lit main hall. He turned and locked the door. Once the laughter had died down Chris had a look about the hall.

"Oh man we have left Brad out there." He said.

Back at the helicopter…

"Uh guys." Brad said. He looked around and realised he was alone. He used his radio to call Wesker.

"How can I help you Brad?" he asked in a pleasant "We didn't mean to just leave you back there with those killer dogs, honest."

"Screw you guys, I am going home I will let someone know you need help. Seriously how could you leave me here all alone in the dark?" Brad sobbed.

"Very easily Brad, what we did was run for our lives." Wesker answered. Jill walked up and grabbed the radio off Wesker.

"Hey Bradski out there all alone in the dark, you had better watch the bogey man doesn't catch you and gobble you up." Jill said.

"Shut up that's not nice." Brad blubbered down the line. "I am going home." He cut the radio off and flew away.

"Do you think he will send help?" Barry asked.

"Meh, probably not you know what he is like he will get home, forget, then we will have to find our own way back." Wesker answered.

"I will check outside, see if the coast is clear." Jill said. She had a quick glance out the door and shut it again.

"What's up Jill? See a mirror." Chris said. He laughed but only briefly when he saw the look on Jill's face.

"Well I will say this much those dogs are well trained, there is about ten of them all out there wearing bibs and waiting for us and I swear one licked his lips and winked at me." Jill answered.

"Who's for a game of hide and seek this place would be great for it." Chris suggested.

"No I think we should have a look around and." Wesker was interrupted by Jill.

"Steal everything we can get our hands on, I mean a place like this must be filled with goodies." She said almost salivating at the thought.

"No stealing Jill and do you know why?" Wesker asked.

"Cause its naughty." Jill answered.

"Yes because it is naughty, no what we are going to do is to split into teams and investigate, you know see if we can find those good fellows from the other team." Wesker said.

"Fellows and fellowets remember Rebecca is there too." Jill added.

"Right Barry and I will be Alpha team A, Jill, you and Chris can be Alpha team B any questions.

"ALPHA TEAM B RULE." Chris and Jill shouted before they headed off through a set off double doors.

"You know if anything comes up they cant deal with they will die." Barry said as he stroked his beard.

"Do you do that every time you speak?" Wesker asked.

"Yes, what off it?" Barry asked.

"Oh nothing lets go find our fellow team mates." He said. Barry walked off towards the stairs.

"Alpha team A rule." Wesker said quietly under his breath.

"What was that?" Barry asked.

"Oh, eh, nothing." Wesker answered. Barry smirked and continued up the stairs, Wesker following close behind, momentarily forgetting who was captain.


	2. Chapter 2

Jill and Chris had a look around the massive dining room they had just entered.

"Wow this is classy, that table has to be at least a mile long." Chris said.

"I hardly think it is a mile long Chris." Jill said. She ran her finger along the table and held it to her face.

"Someone needs to tell the maid she has missed a spot." She grumbled wiping the offending mess from her finger onto Chris's vest.

"Hey don't do that, this was clean on two days ago." Chris said.

"Stop whining it's just a bit of dust." Jill remarked.

"Then why didn't you wipe it on you then." Chris pouted.

"What and ruin this lovely new uniform." Jill answered.

"Well I guess so, right now to investigating Alpha team B has to win." Chris said.

"Yeah, I wonder what the prize is." Jill said.

"Maybe it's something to eat I am starved." Chris said. Jill continued down the room followed by Chris.

"Hey check it out, a funky shield." Chris shouted running up and taking the crest down off the wall.

"Freeze woman this is the domain of Sir Christopher of Mansion why are you here?" he asked.

"Chris that is a crest not a shield, do you see a handle on it for holding?" Jill asked.

"Of course not, how would they get it to fit into that spot if it had a handle on it, it must be around here somewhere." Chris answered.

"Hey I never thought of that, well lets get searching for it." Jill said. They went through the only other door in the dining room.

"Phew what is that yucky smell." Chris said holding his nose.

"Smells like the men's locker room." Jill commented.

"How do you know what the men's locker room smells like?" Chris asked.

"Ah yeah about that Forest and me well we uh needed some where to uh chat yeah that's it chat nothing else." Jill answered. They rounded the corner and gasped when they saw someone eating a member of their team.

"Hey you get off him." Jill said. The thing went to get up but Chris swung his leg forward and kicked its head off. It bounced off the wall and hit Jill in the chest.

"Argh my new uniform, Chris how could you." Jill wailed.

"Hey I didn't know the guys head was going to come right off." Chris answered.

"Uh Guys." Kenneth chocked.

"Listen here Chris, you had better hope these stains come out because if they don't I swear I will scrub them with you face." Jill said.

"I would like to see you try." Chris said sticking his tongue out. Jill caught it between her fingers and banged his jaw up slightly.

"Ouch ma tongue." Chris said.

"Guys, I am uh kinda bleeding to death here." Kenneth said.

"I am not speaking to you until you apologise." Jill turned her back on him and stamped her foot down.

""Sorry for getting blood all over your nice new uniform." Chris said.

"Apology accepted." Jill said. Kenneth let out one more gargled croak before he lay motionless on the ground.

"Oh yeah we were supposed to save him." Jill said looking down at her former comrade.

"Yeah well no one needs to know do they." Chris said removing the tape from Kenneth's camera.

"Good thinking Bat Chris." The pair ran off giggling.

"Hey Wesker what do you think this is?" Barry asked as he stroked his chin.

"Barry it's a painting." Wesker answered.

"Oh yeah I knew that." Barry said looking rather shifty.

"Then why did you ask?" Wesker asked.

"To check and make sure you knew what it was." Barry answered. They heard giggling coming from the main hall. They went out to check who it was.

"Jill, Chris what are you doing here?" Wesker asked.

"Check it out captain I have a shield." Chris said waving it in the captain's face enthusiastically.

"What happened to you Jill?" Wesker asked, once he managed to get an excited Chris out of his face.

"We never killed anyone honest; he was like that when we got there." Jill answered quickly. Wesker arched an eyebrow.

"Jill what are you talking about?" Wesker asked.

"Oh nothing except Chris kicked a guys head off and bounced off the wall and and." She tried to compose herself but failed. She burst into floods of tears.

"It bounced off the wall and hit me, look at me these stains will never come out." Jill sobbed. Wesker turned to look at Chris, who was running around the hall holding his shield and making horse noises.

"Chris can I have word." Wesker asked.

"Hold up there Starlight." Chris said. The team watched as Chris mad a show of slowing his horse down.

"How can I help you captain, ah I know what you are after a shot of Starlight." Chris said.

"Yeah sure." Wesker answered excitedly. He then looked at his other two colleagues who were looking rather shocked by his answer. He coughed.

"What I meant to say was no Chris, anyway is it true you kicked a man's head off?" Wesker asked.

"Yes you should have seen it, it was all like whoosh bang splat." Chris answered making all the noises and actions as he did so. Suddenly a loud bang echoed through the halls.

"What is it?" Barry asked. Jill looked at him.

"You have been in STARS how long and you still can't identify a gun shot, man Barry what would your NRA buddies think about that." Jill said.

"I can so identify gun shots its just that didn't sound like one." Barry said in his defense.

"He is right Jill, it didn't sound like a gun shot." Wesker added. Jill turned to see what Chris was up to and found him talking quietly to his Imaginary horse Starlight.

"Chris, what are you doing?" Jill asked.

"Starlight wants to go on an adventure." Chris answered.

"Captain Can I make a request for a change of partner." Jill asked.

"I was just thinking about that and you are right we should go as a team." Wesker answered.

"Captain that is not what I said." Jill said.

"I am glad you agree, now about that turn on the horse." Wesker said.

"Hop on buddy." Chris said patting the air behind him. Wesker stood behind him.

"On Starlight, to the upstairs." Chris said. He and Wesker trotted up the stairs, laughing as they did so. Jill and Barry looked at one another and sighed.

"Wish I had asked." Jill said sadly.

"Yeah me too, looks like fun." Barry said. They went after the two prancing idiots on their horse, wishing it was one of them instead of Wesker.


	3. Chapter 3

sorry for the change in format the computer i typed this on has word while my laptop dosent. this is a very late update and i will try to update more often but as usual other things just keep getting in the way. hope you enjoy the latest instlament.

_**Brad was flying along quite the thing, when he remembered he had left his team mates behind.**_

"_**Who cares." He thought to himself.**_

"_**They left me alone in the scary forest." He decided after a few minutes he should probably radio the R.P.D and let them know what happened.**_

"_**They can't be in the much danger they are trained professionals we will send a chopper out in a couple of hours." Chief irons said down the line.**_

"_**Glad to hear that sir." Brad said. He smiled and continued on his way home.**_

_**Meanwhile back in the mansion, Sir Christopher and his horse Starlight have stopped for a rest and Wesker is feeling rather saddle sore.**_

"_**Chris you could have gone a little slower." Wesker moaned as he rubbed his sore behind. Jill looked at Barry who only shrugged his shoulders, but was probably thinking**_

"_**I have no idea what is wrong with those two, but I think they may have lost it."**_

"_**Sir; how could you get saddle sore, there is no horse." Jill asked.**_

"_**Yes there is, with our combined imagination we have made starlight real so bleugh." Wesker answered, sticking his tongue out to emphasis the point.**_

"_**Yeah Jill, Starlight is so real." Chris added, sticking his tongue out as well. Jill caught both their tongues and gave them a good yank. Both the captain and Chris cried out in unison.**_

"_**ARGH." Both of them held there mouths shut as Jill scowled at the both of them.**_

"_**Do you see a horse?" she asked waving her hand around where they had been sitting.**_

"_**You have no imagination Jill she is over there." Wesker said. Jill took her gun out and fired into the empty space.**_

"_**Ha ha she is bullet proof." Chris yelled with delight. Jill threw her hands up in defeat and kicked Chris in the shin.**_

"_**I guess it's a shame your not kick proof." Jill said. Chris fell to the floor clutching his shin.**_

"_**You kicked my partner Jill how could you." Wesker said.**_

"_**What are you talking about he is my partner." Jill argued. She grabbed Chris's arm and pulled him towards her. Wesker grabbed his other arm and pulled him towards him. Barry stood and stroked his beard as Jill and Wesker Pulled Chris back and forward; both shouting no he is my partner. In the end Barry Grabbed Chris and took him out the room.**_

"_**I will toss this coin and who ever wins gets Chris ok." he said. Jill and Wesker stood and watched as Barry tossed the coin in the air.**_

"_**Tails." Jill called. The coin landed on heads. Wesker jumped for joy and started making faces at Jill.**_

"_**I am the winner you are the loser." Wesker said clapping his hands with glee. He ran out the door to tell Chris the good news. **_

_**Their squeals of join could be heard all over the mansion. Zombies were turning to the sound and dogs were covering their ears in pain. Chris and Wesker happily trotted off on the horse. **_

"_**Well Barry looks like its me and you." Jill said. **_

"_**You don't sound to happy about that." Barry said rather upset.**_

"_**Aww no Barry its cool come on big guy how's about we find a kitchen and get you a sandwich." Barry smiled and nodded.**_

"_**Yeah that's it we cool come on." They both headed to the dining hall and tried to figure out where the kitchen could be from there. When the did eventually find it Jill was disgusted.**_

"_**I am not eating anything from this kitchen; its gross." Jill said. Barry though was like a kid in a candy shop. The mess around him didn't seem to have fazed him any. He ransacked the cupboards and the fridge and was dismayed to find nothing but mouldy bread.**_

"_**Its all stale and yucky." Barry said throwing the green bread into the bin.**_

"_**What did you expect Baz this stuff had been here for ages; you really don't believe that the zombies were going to do the shopping do you?" Jill said. She cleared a space on one of the work tops and jumped up. Meanwhile…**_

"_**Chris maybe we should actually do some investigating." Wesker suggested. Chris had found himself a piano and was banging out some tunes while caterwauling at the top of his voice.**_

"_**OOOO the camp town lady sings some songs do da do da sings them all day long something something else the camp town lady sings a song all the doo daa dayyyyyeeee." Wesker decided to join in the singing just as Rebecca entered and found Wesker lying down on the piano crooning to Chris about a beautiful horse.**_

"_**I think I will just come back later." She said. Wesker got such a fright that he fell from the piano.**_

"_**Its exactly what you think it is." Wesker said. He then cursed himself.**_

"_**I meant its not what it looks like." he corrected himself.**_

"_**SO you weren't just singing to Chris on top of a grand piano then." Rebecca said. Chris and Wesker looked at one another then decided to barge right past Rebecca and out the door. She sighed and decided to sit down and play the piece of music that was open on the stand. A wall slid open behind her. She went in and removed the crest and then the wall fell down behind her.**_

"_**Oh no how do I get out." she called banging on the wall while the discarded crest lay behind the statue where she had thrown it. Jill and Barry had some how found themselves out in a courtyard. after killing the dogs who had been sitting playing poker before they arrived they made their way to the guard house. They found a room with a bed in it which Jill jumped on and went to sleep. Barry decided to go for a wander while Jill had a nap. He entered a room and the most gigantic spider he had ever seen crawled up to him. He let out screech which woke Jill from her nap. She ran to the room to find Barry up on a table holding his vest like a skirt and screeching. She looked down and saw the spider; which was rolling about the floor laughing. Jill opened the door and let the spiders out.**_

"_**Come On Barry lets get you back to the safe room and help you relax." Jill said.**_

"_**Are you sure the nasty spiders are gone?" Barry asked.**_

"_**Yes they are gone." Jill said. Barry smiled and got down from the table.**_


End file.
